NicholasJohn16 (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} nicholasjohn16) wrote,@ 2008-05-22 20:58:00 |
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ZOMG!! ... Long Post
I've been meaning to write an update to this damn thing for a month now, so I might as well just do it.
Where should I begin? I suppose chronologically would make the most since.
Just before Spring Break, I weighed myself which is always a dangerous things because you rarely know how I will react to those three little digital numbers. But I did because I was on my way to see my Dad and Grandma over the break and I wanted to know how much I weighed before I left. The result of that was a complete depression. Upon my return to Kentucky, I crawled into bed for about two weeks and didn't leave. I mean that. I did not leave my apartment for two weeks. Not for classes, not for food, not for anything. I barely left my bed. The evidence of this is that I watched the entire series of Queer as Folk and several movies in record time.
I had gotten fatter than usual. Fatter than I ever have been in fact.
I attribute this to a few things. Largely, I lost hope. I lost the hope that I would ever be as thin as I wanted to be. I doubted I would ever have that dream body that I have lusted after for so long. I felt that without that goal, which was unobtainable, there was no point to watch what I ate or even to exercise. This was propigated by the previous semester in which I had gathered aid from a class mate who was a physical therapist. I started workout out with him daily. Everyday we would lift weights and do cardio and after that semester, I wasn't any thinner. I had tried my last resort and there was still no effect. This defeated me and I that hope that I had had for so long slipped away.
As I was trying to pick up the pieces of my semester and myself and put things back together after I had realized what depression I was in, I checked my bank account. Upon logging into the website, I found that I was several hundred dollars over drawn. This shocked me. I had my tax return and birthday money recently deposited. I should've had more than enough money. Upon further inspection, I found several nefarious purchases that I had never made. The result being a frantic call to my bank trying to explain that these purchases were not authorized by me. The asked me to contact each company and request the money to be returned. This took a week to do. Calling each business took hours because I would be put on hold and when the phone call was answered for some reason they could find no transactions with either my name or debit card number. The result was that I had to go to the bank and fill out forms for them to force the business to give the money back, which I would do on Monday because it was Friday and I was going home for my nephews birthday.
I hoped on to the interstate excited to see my nephew and relishing my improvement in attitude as of late. As I cruised down the highway at 75mph a mere 17 miles from Richmond, I noticed my car was acting weird. It started chugging and then would no longer accelerate. The speed quickly declined until I was dead on the side of the road and my temperature gage was pointed straight up. The car was towed home where a small crack was found on the bottom of the coolant reservoir that sprayed coolant out when the system was pressurized. This required pretty much a complete engine rebuild to fix including the heads machined, the gaskets replaced, the pistons removed, the piston rings replaced, and the engine block board. This took my brother three weeks to complete and many hundreds of dollars.
During those three weeks, I begged, borrowed and cheated my way to get to my campus and other places I needed to go. But the lose of my glorious car did not help my depression and before long I was as bad as I had ever been. The depression and lack of ability to get to campus regularly didn't have a good effect on my classes. This mounted the tension that I felt daily. Constantly, I felt myself slipping farther behind in my classes.
Finals week approached and my car was finally fixed. I went down to London and spent three days helping my brother put the final touches on my car. And it started. At first, burnt coolant smoked out the tail pipe and there was a squealing coming from the belt, but before long those problems were fixed as well and we felt golden. We decided to drive it back to Richmond for my brother and I to drive around. On the way back up there, there was a ding and suddenly the car died. Chris pilled over and we found oil sprayed all over the engine. As we pushed it farther over we found small bits of the engine block laying on the ground. The engine had seized and the block had cracked. There was no "quick fix" for this problem.
I returned home and thanks to rides from Kenny, I went to the bank, filled out 18 forms, swore a statement, and got a police report and finally they believed me that I had not made the purchases. As it stands right now, I'm waiting on the last $82 to be returned to my account.
I felt the pressure mounting inside me and I knew that I had to do something. Without the ability to go to the gym where I usually vented my concerns through exercise I decided to go to a counseler on campus to discuss my feelings on my weight, my person, my car and all things stressful. She's been wonderful. She's grabbed hold of my weight issues and really worked with me about them. She's addressed concerns that I've worried about for so long like my fears about being a whore if I was thin, about the pressures I feel to be skinny, how to deal with the belief that I'll never reach that dream goal. Just having her there once a week for an hour is helping me all week long and a little part of me is afraid of loosing her just yet.
Right now, I need a job. I'm completely out of money. But I lack the clothes to wear to a job because nothing of mine fits me anymore. I wish more than anything I just had a few months to get over this hump in my life and take care of myself for awhile. I wish life had that option. People have that ability in France. I'm trying to find an online job because without my car and proper work close at home would be the best for me, but I haven't been able to find a legitement source for such work.
Anyway, that's all for now I suppose. Talk more soon hopefully. Writing all this and venting has left me feeling exhausted.
I've been meaning to write an update to this damn thing for a month now, so I might as well just do it.
Where should I begin? I suppose chronologically would make the most since.
Just before Spring Break, I weighed myself which is always a dangerous things because you rarely know how I will react to those three little digital numbers. But I did because I was on my way to see my Dad and Grandma over the break and I wanted to know how much I weighed before I left. The result of that was a complete depression. Upon my return to Kentucky, I crawled into bed for about two weeks and didn't leave. I mean that. I did not leave my apartment for two weeks. Not for classes, not for food, not for anything. I barely left my bed. The evidence of this is that I watched the entire series of Queer as Folk and several movies in record time.
I had gotten fatter than usual. Fatter than I ever have been in fact.
I attribute this to a few things. Largely, I lost hope. I lost the hope that I would ever be as thin as I wanted to be. I doubted I would ever have that dream body that I have lusted after for so long. I felt that without that goal, which was unobtainable, there was no point to watch what I ate or even to exercise. This was propigated by the previous semester in which I had gathered aid from a class mate who was a physical therapist. I started workout out with him daily. Everyday we would lift weights and do cardio and after that semester, I wasn't any thinner. I had tried my last resort and there was still no effect. This defeated me and I that hope that I had had for so long slipped away.
As I was trying to pick up the pieces of my semester and myself and put things back together after I had realized what depression I was in, I checked my bank account. Upon logging into the website, I found that I was several hundred dollars over drawn. This shocked me. I had my tax return and birthday money recently deposited. I should've had more than enough money. Upon further inspection, I found several nefarious purchases that I had never made. The result being a frantic call to my bank trying to explain that these purchases were not authorized by me. The asked me to contact each company and request the money to be returned. This took a week to do. Calling each business took hours because I would be put on hold and when the phone call was answered for some reason they could find no transactions with either my name or debit card number. The result was that I had to go to the bank and fill out forms for them to force the business to give the money back, which I would do on Monday because it was Friday and I was going home for my nephews birthday.
I hoped on to the interstate excited to see my nephew and relishing my improvement in attitude as of late. As I cruised down the highway at 75mph a mere 17 miles from Richmond, I noticed my car was acting weird. It started chugging and then would no longer accelerate. The speed quickly declined until I was dead on the side of the road and my temperature gage was pointed straight up. The car was towed home where a small crack was found on the bottom of the coolant reservoir that sprayed coolant out when the system was pressurized. This required pretty much a complete engine rebuild to fix including the heads machined, the gaskets replaced, the pistons removed, the piston rings replaced, and the engine block board. This took my brother three weeks to complete and many hundreds of dollars.
During those three weeks, I begged, borrowed and cheated my way to get to my campus and other places I needed to go. But the lose of my glorious car did not help my depression and before long I was as bad as I had ever been. The depression and lack of ability to get to campus regularly didn't have a good effect on my classes. This mounted the tension that I felt daily. Constantly, I felt myself slipping farther behind in my classes.
Finals week approached and my car was finally fixed. I went down to London and spent three days helping my brother put the final touches on my car. And it started. At first, burnt coolant smoked out the tail pipe and there was a squealing coming from the belt, but before long those problems were fixed as well and we felt golden. We decided to drive it back to Richmond for my brother and I to drive around. On the way back up there, there was a ding and suddenly the car died. Chris pilled over and we found oil sprayed all over the engine. As we pushed it farther over we found small bits of the engine block laying on the ground. The engine had seized and the block had cracked. There was no "quick fix" for this problem.
I returned home and thanks to rides from Kenny, I went to the bank, filled out 18 forms, swore a statement, and got a police report and finally they believed me that I had not made the purchases. As it stands right now, I'm waiting on the last $82 to be returned to my account.
I felt the pressure mounting inside me and I knew that I had to do something. Without the ability to go to the gym where I usually vented my concerns through exercise I decided to go to a counseler on campus to discuss my feelings on my weight, my person, my car and all things stressful. She's been wonderful. She's grabbed hold of my weight issues and really worked with me about them. She's addressed concerns that I've worried about for so long like my fears about being a whore if I was thin, about the pressures I feel to be skinny, how to deal with the belief that I'll never reach that dream goal. Just having her there once a week for an hour is helping me all week long and a little part of me is afraid of loosing her just yet.
Right now, I need a job. I'm completely out of money. But I lack the clothes to wear to a job because nothing of mine fits me anymore. I wish more than anything I just had a few months to get over this hump in my life and take care of myself for awhile. I wish life had that option. People have that ability in France. I'm trying to find an online job because without my car and proper work close at home would be the best for me, but I haven't been able to find a legitement source for such work.
Anyway, that's all for now I suppose. Talk more soon hopefully. Writing all this and venting has left me feeling exhausted.
